FIVE

The coroner ruled my death as “Death by Misadventure”. Meaning, death by accident. I thought the corner’s term fitting. If I looked at the events my drowning, I would consider them a misadventure. My mind was overwhelmed with thoughts of death as a freedom from life. I was not in my right mind. My Husband and my child needed me but I could not see this fact on that day. Nor, on many other days leading up to my suicide. There is a relief in knowing my family will always believe it was an accident, but it is not the truth. My family and friends will forever forget the pain I was in. They will just lay my body to rest and speak of ‘the accident’ when they remember me. I have set so many lives on the course of believing in a lie.

To have your mind deceive you into thinking death is the only way out is a sickness. Usually, an organism wants to thrive. Killing oneself is opposite of thriving; It was a conscious decision, but the decision was made by a mind and body which could no longer tolerate its very own existence. I don’t know if it’s possible to forgive myself completely, but I am working on understanding and finding some compassion for the woman I had been. There are not many choices on this side.

~

When David woke up from his nap he called May to his bedside. She slowly walked over to my ‘time out chair’ and took the necklace. She wanted David to put it on her.

She walked into his room and took her father’s extended hand.

“Will you put mommy’s necklace on me?” asked May as she turned around and lifted her hair up.

“Sure honey, then tomorrow we will take it off.”

May’s little voice went soft as she told David she wasn’t going to take it off unless mommy took it off for her.

“Sweet girl, you know where mommy is…” he sat up and looked into May’s teary eyes. They both held each other until May decided to make a declaration: “I am not taking it off, daddy!” Pulling the necklace up, she showed him the three concentric circles which were attached to the chain. Each circle was to represent our family’s eternal bond. David had given it to me for my 40th birthday when May was just a baby.

“May you don’t have to take it off, but you can’t pretend she is going to come for it. You are old enough to understand that mommy is in Heaven and…” David started to tear up “… and you have to be strong. We both have to be.”

May sat on the side of the bed with David. As they held hands they leaned on each other and watched the sun set through the bedroom window. They had made it through the first full day without me.

~

The nights are the hardest to endure. I feel most vulnerable when my loved ones are asleep. Things move and creek in the night and they are just as frightening when you are dead. One doesn’t know if there is an encounter with a new being around the corner or if the shifting energies are innocuous. When everyone’s asleep anything seems possible.

Clara stayed up late though, and even if I couldn’t cross the salt boundary she laid down, I found I could hover outside her window to see what she was doing. Inside her room she had draped her mirror with a dark cloth and she had incense burning. She moved around her room slowly looking for something, her hands fidgeting, and when she found it I was curious about the wrapped mass. It was a wrapping of dried sage which she lit and then opened her window to blow the smoke from the burning sage right at me. This had to be more than a coincidence. She could see me! I was certain. I wondered if she could hear me too.

“Clara!” I yelled as she directed the sage smoke my way.

This only encouraged her to wave harder and blow more furiously.

When repelled, I flew erratically towards the trees far away from Clara and her superstitions. After finding comfort in the Poplar leaves, I decided to spend the night at my mother’s house again.