TWO

Dying is not the end. I was expecting to be sucked into oblivion a place where I would no longer exist. I was hoping my very being would be eradicated from the earth and a nothingness would wash over me. I was expecting a void to devour my conscious self so I would, simply, no longer be. It is not what happened. I watched my body drift away – my arms floating up like seaweed in the current. I was still me, but without the body. All my feelings of sadness and my love for my family were still as strong as ever. And the darkness still persisted in me.

I was terrified, but I no longer had a physical body to help me scream or call for help. Death was not what I expected it to be. It felt like I was the size of a pea but all of my consciousness was contained within. I didn’t need oxygen to remain underwater and I could still think as distinctly as I did when I was alive. My first thoughts were of regret for killing myself and my whole pea-sized being shuddered with sorrow and shame. I was still depressed, I was still confused and, strangely enough, I still wanted to kill myself. Because I was not dead. The only changed circumstance through my action was I threw my body away. The vehicle which had allowed me to hug my child and to kiss my husband. The vehicle which could have helped me to try a little harder to get help and to keep on trying until something had worked.

I closed the door on my life, but I did not exit my existence. As I remained in the water I heard a helicopter overhead. I wondered if it was Search-and-Rescue. My family would have realized I was gone by now. They would be looking to the ocean for answers, for some sign of me, not wanting to admit to themselves I had drowned. They would be holding on to the hope I was simply adrift and they would find me alive. Remorse burned through me. It finally occurred to me they would have to deal with my remains. I was disoriented and started to wonder if I was in Hell. I could see the sun above the surface of the water and then another light seemingly came toward me. It was brighter than the sun and I wanted to back away from it. There was a sentient power which I could feel within the light, an awareness of me. Terror rose within me as it came closer, closer yet, and then it enveloped me. I could hear a voice, but I did not understand the words because they were so loud and they reverberated throughout my soul. The light moved away and I was in the the shadow of what I could only describe as an Angel. It changed from a ray to a tall beam of light with more light jutting out the sides like wings. I couldn’t see a face, but I felt awash in a mercy I had never known. Then it disappeared.

I didn’t know what to call where I was. It didn’t make sense to me an Angel would visit me in Hell; nor, did it make sense Hell was the ocean. But after the visit I did realize I could move freely based on my thoughts and intentions. I ached to see my husband and daughter so I thought intently about them. I then traveled to David and May like a particle of light shooting through space and time and found myself hovering by their sides. David and May were crumpled on the beach beside my soggy body. There was a blanket covering me from head to toe. Nana Nettle was ringing a handkerchief in her hands. I floated around to see different perspectives of the scene. My daughter was weeping and my husband was trying to remain strong for her. I did this to them. I didn’t think it through. I didn’t expect things to turn out this way. All I wanted to do was vanish. I didn’t want to cause such suffering, such anguish and pain.

I couldn’t contain my own grief from what I had done and I shifted to try and escape. I could not watch my family suffer. But when I tried to leave I realized there were dark beings surrounding my family and me. Like an ancient stone circle we were contained within their ranks. They were morphing and absorbing all of the suffering and the pain. They wouldn’t let me pass to escape. I was forced to absorb the suffering as well. It was so powerful I didn’t think I could contain it all. I felt like I would burst. My soul stung and felt like it was twisting into a knot I would never be able to undo. I wondered if the Angel would come back to protect me from these beings as they came closer to me. They isolated me from my family and closed in encircling only me and then drew out the pain I had just absorbed. Then I glimpsed their gruesome faces. Their mouths gaped and shut and their expressions morphed then scrunched up as they drew the miserable energy from me.

When the crying stopped, the dark beings separated and drew themselves away into the thin air. David, May and Nana Nettle held each other as they carried my body away. There was a moment of calm as they watched in disbelief as my body was wheeled into the coroner’s van. The picnic basket and the buckets and the striped towels were gathered slowly, then my family was forced to walk through a crowd of eager onlookers who wanted to ask questions about what had happened. Luckily, only silence followed us all back to the car. A large part of me didn’t have the courage to face what it would be like for them to arrange the funeral and to carry on without me.

I was ashamed and stunned at my action. But I had chosen to leave them when I committed suicide. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact I could still see, hear and experience everything and I was trying to understand why I was not cast into the void of nothingness I had imagined. I felt betrayed, I felt angry, but most of all I felt an agony so deep, I could not compare it to anything I had ever known. Silence filled the car as we travelled home. David was driving, and Nana Nettle cradled May’s weary head. David looked into the review mirror at the place I was sitting hours before. He was trying to imagine me there. He was trying to pretend things were normal, but his vacant eyes showed me things would never be the same for him ever again…