SIX

Mother had chest pain and had just taken a glycerine pill when I arrived. Cheryl was still with her and encouraged her to call her doctor. But my mother was stubborn and she chose to deal with the matter in the morning. I could tell by the state of the house Cheryl had been busy all day straightening and tidying.

“Maureen do you need anything before I head out?” asked Cheryl as my mother sat up in her bed holding yet another cup of hot tea.

“No thank you dear, you go home now and sleep well. Thank you for all of your help today you’ve been so wonderful.”

“Now, Maureen you would do the same for me. Call me if you need anything and I’ll be right over.”

“Thanks dear.”

Cheryl went down the front stairs and locked the front door behind her.

Mom was all alone again. Her house dark all but for her bedroom light. She fell asleep sitting up.

It seems when tragedy strikes a family they have to keep one eye over their shoulder for more tragedy. It comes in clusters and seems to unload where an opening has already been made. When the intruder broke through my mother’s side door the Angel materialized and blocked me from investigating. He held me his glow as if he were made of sticky honey of which I could not escape. I heard my mother scream but I was not allowed to see what was happening to her, nor was I allowed to intervene. It was quick, and then the living room fell silent. She had edged out of bed when she heard the noises downstairs thinking it was Cheryl, but she met up with the intruder instead. One sight of him and my mother’s heart failed. I fought against the Angel but with each attempt he became stickier making it so I was immobilized. Helpless.

I didn’t know what I thought I could do. But I wanted to try and help or at least see who had done this to her. I heard the voice of the Angel, “You shall stay!” It was booming and yet when it held me in its grasp I felt comforted even with the tragedy happening outside of its glow.

When my mother passed away, her soul came up the stairs to the bedroom. I could see through a halo of light that she was bright, beautiful, healthy looking and happy. She was following my father to a passage which had opened in the ceiling – light streamed through and many helping hands reached through to greet my mother. She went gently and without fear and then she was gone.

The Angel told me she would not remain in my world and then he slowly moved away from me vanishing, abandoning me. I shot up to the place in the ceiling where my mother had gone and tried to follow her, but I just ended up in the attic with all of our old memories and castaway objects.

~

The dead grieve. I was in shock over what had happened to my mother. In an instant her life was taken away and then she passed on to another world so easily. As if it were her time. The Angel had left me with a phrase before he abandoned me: “Tread lightly and your time will come.” Tread lightly, I thought, all I wanted to do was to tear up the house out of desperation and the primal need for my mother. How could it have happened so fast? Why wasn’t I allowed to help her? Why couldn’t I at least say goodbye? The Angel had held me so tightly in its glow that I couldn’t even be heard when I screamed, “Mother, Mother, don’t you see me?” I was angry at the Angel.

I was so angry I flew down to the living room to look for my mother’s body. If I couldn’t say goodbye to her soul I could at least pay my last respects to her body. But it was as if their were a veil over her when I found her. I could see her form, but was unable to see her features. I had the urge to cry but this was another bodily function I had deprived myself of. When I looked around the room there were two beings standing guard. They looked like grotesques with happy faces. They rushed towards me and pushed me away from my mother. I noticed other creatures coming through the walls, dark hunched backed spirits with claws for hands tried to get close to her body and the sorrow suckers were circling me. The grotesques pushed against us all and held every being at bay with their eerie strength until my mother’s body was found by Cheryl in the morning.

Cheryl had to hold back her tears when she was talking to the investigators. “Maureen Wilson was one of the nicest ladies you could ever hope to meet.”

“I saw her last at about 11:30 last night after I locked up”

“No, she didn’t have any unsavory associations”

“No, she didn’t have a drug problem”

“No, she wasn’t known to keep large amounts of money in the house”

“Yes, I was with my husband all night.”

The family had to be contacted but the only family left was David and May. My father had passed away when I was a child and my mother and I had been on our own until I married into David’s family.

Cheryl gave the police David’s address and mentioned he had just lost his wife in a drowning accident.

“You mean the mother and daughter are both dead within a day apart?” asked one investigator.

Cheryl began to weep and discuss how hard it would be on May losing her grandmother so soon after her mother’s death.

The investigators politely listened and then went on their way. I went straight to David.

~

Clara heard the doorbell ring at 8:30 in the morning. She brushed the front of her apron, fixed her hair with one pat and then opened the door (today she was wearing an amulet which, oddly, had no power over me). The investigators stood shoulder to shoulder asking to speak to Mr. Nettle. Clara invited them in and had them wait in the living room as she went to wake up David. May was already up and lurked from the kitchen to the living room to see who was here for her father. When she saw how official the two men looked she went back to her breakfast – thinking they were business men visiting her father.

She did not hear the conversation when David came into the room to meet the investigators. Nana Nettle came into the room to hear the news and steadied David as he sat down on the sofa. He pulled at his hair and was so visibly shaken the investigators chose to cut their visit short. It was evident to them the weight of the news was too much for David and even Nana Nettle.

~

My mother and I were very close. To lose her caused me more pain than can be expressed. For years all we had was each other. An only child, she lost her parents early in life. My mother was a fighter though, and after fighting her way through orphanages and foster homes she made it to the real world and held down several jobs to support herself. When she was 28 she met her true love, Jake Wilson, my father.

Jake was in the import-export business and was making a very good living. They had a lovely life together until he passed away when I was two years old from early heart disease. My mother was a widow at 32. She was able to get by on what my father left her and only had to work part-time as she raised me on her own. “One moment of true love can get you through a lifetime of loneliness,” she would say to me when I asked if she would ever remarry.

Her nature was so pleasant and it seemed very little could stand in her way. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the same nature and my mood swings and depression always vexed her. She didn’t understand that I could not just “get on with it.” When a depression set in I could not work, I was in bed for most of the time and my thoughts were dark and brooding. She supported me through all of these episodes but in the early years I could tell she was disappointed with me. She thought if I tried harder I could overcome. Just like she had. But I was different and it took her many years to understand the fact.

Nevertheless, we were close, like sisters sometimes, but she always remained my mentor, my mother figure and I loved her with all of my heart.

Now she was gone, I felt my main compass point was missing. I didn’t know how to cope without her. When I think of it, she must of felt very much the same way when she lost me.

Our family dynamic was a wonderful one when I got married. She and David loved each other immediately and were very warm to each other. Nana Nettle always kept an emotional distance but, I could tell she was very fond of my mother in spite of herself.

When David and I were married he was starting his dermatological practice and we were very short on cash so we agreed to move in with Nana Nettle. She had a Tudor mansion with all of the trimmings. There was enough space for us to live our married life quite separate from his mother, but David someday wanted to get a place of our own. It just turned out that over the years the living arrangement became comfortable enough not to change.

May had a live-in grandmother and Nana Nettle had her family close by which made her very happy. Even if she found a need to interfere at times; things were comfortable and remained in balance.

~

Since my death, I was relieved David and May were with Nana. She was a very strong woman who would help support them through this tragic time.

I play in my head scenarios in which I did not drown myself and wonder if my actions lead directly to my mother’s death. I wonder if I had still been alive would she have been out that evening to the opera and not come into contact with the intruder. Maybe she would have run out for a carton of milk or had friends over late for a card game. But because I died she was alone in bed mourning my loss. Maybe if Cheryl hadn’t been in the house all day my mother wouldn’t have thought it was her downstairs coming back for something forgotten. Maybe she would have called the police right away instead of going downstairs.

All these possibilities whirled through my mind. Was it my fault my mother was dead? Did my action lead to her demise and if so, what other chain of events were my actions going to set off?

I had already seen a decline in David’s health and May was clearly angry, Nana Nettle attempts to be strong but she denies her own feelings in order to keep the family together. If I could take back my actions I would. But to think about it too much causes me to shrink down in size. It is clear regret does not serve my purposes on this side. I must be strong, stronger than I could be in life. I must find out why I am stuck in this land of creatures and Angels which I do not yet, or might never, understand.